Where was this going?

Here it is December and I look back and realize I have not blogged in quite some time. 
I told my "story" yesterday or at least parts of it which has led me to blogging today.  Some people think, telling your "story", what does that mean?  In brief description it means going into depth about some of those horrors of your past, that you hope by telling, will help someone else and or yourself and the same time. 
I have a friend that told me yesterday her sister had been diagnosed with bi-polar and so I told her what I could from my standpoint of mental illness and drug/alcohol abuse.  Telling is much easier than feeling, however. 
But then again telling is easier than feeling a lot of the time. 
This time of year is very stressful for me, from around the beginning of November to the end of February.  Almost every year I end up in the hospital.  Not this year though.
I'm going with the flow.  My sleep sucks, I'm getting fat, but I'm sober and hospital free.
Thanks baby for the homecooked food!!

A New Adventure

When life throws you lemons the best thing to do is make lemonade or at least put a slice of it in your water.
Seems like there is a possibility of travel in my future. 
Time to do some major packing and sorting through stuff.  I've needed to do this anyway, so this just gives me an excuse.
I've always wanted to travel and see different sights, so I'm taking this as my new adventure.
I'll have a new job, an assistant and a helper to 12 guys who all live away from home.  I won't get paid much but they already accept me.  That's the hardest part.
I will, however, be able to keep my little family together.  Mom, Dad and 2 4-legged girls.  That is the most important reason for this. 
When you find someone in your life that is special and that you love, sometimes you have to do whatever you can to preserve it. 

Just a Story

She was so cold.......was it just the fact the furnace wasn't working correctly again or was it something else.  Was it her blood running cold through her veins?
She hadn't taken a shower for days.  She was catching herself sinking again......She didn't want to.  She wanted so much to believe things would turn around for the better.
She had started praying.  She had turned her life over to God.........was he really listening?
Did he really have her best interests at heart? 
So much had happened............could he ever forgive her for all her wrongs in her life.
Was he testing her now?  To see exactly how strong she is now. 
What kind of proof did he need?

Goodbye Grandmas, yes, that is plural!!

It's now been 50 hrs and I've only had 2 hrs of sleep.  It just won't come.  Maybe, if I write a little I will finally pass out. 
So much has happened in the past several years and a lot in the past couple of months.
I have been mourning tonight.  For both my Grandmothers, that passed away within 2 months of each other.  They were so different from each other but I loved them both dearly.
I hope they both know that I loved them so very much and I'm going to miss them with all my heart.
They both lived to be in their 90's.  I think they somehow made a connective pact with each other to pass at the same time so we all only had to mourn once, but BIG!!  Thanks a lot to the both of you.  I knew it was coming but I just wasn't quite ready to let go yet. 
I'm normally a very private mourner.  I HATE to cry!  I don't find it relieving like people tell me it should be.  I find it exhausting!  It just deadens me.  I feel totally helpless when I let go. 
When I let go, I do stupid stuff.  I have to be in control of my emotions.  However, tonight, sitting here alone I finally let it go.  Briefly, no, more than briefly for 2 beautiful, precious women.  I know they are where they need to be now.  To a much better place. 

Big Change

I could use a drink right now but I'm resisting.  I have 5 weeks sobriety under my belt and I'm not going to screw it up.  I called a friend and he reminded me of that and told me that I've worked to hard to get as far as I've gotten.  He also told me if I got drunk the feeling that I was having today would still just be there again tomorrow.  True, he is. 
You say what got me to this feeling today?  Well, it's been a rough couple of days.  Ending with a separation today. 
Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my husband as he is taking it very hard. 
I take all the blame.  As it was mainly my decision.  It is just something that is happening.
But it is still a big decision and a big change. 

Holiday Woes!

I'm a little over a month sober today and I really could use a drink.  I'm not going to though.  I'm staying strong and using a support system that I have set up.  I have a pinky swear with a friend that I will call or text him if I need to before I take that first drink. 
I am going to find a couple of meetings for this weekend. 
I really don't like the holidays.  I don't like the hustle and bustle or the chaos.  I, also, don't like being around a lot of people.  I prefer just being by myself or one maybe two other people.  I just like sitting around chit chatting with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate.  When it gets close to Christmas I don't even mind a little Christmas music and turning off all the lights except the tree lights. 
I don't like big dinners, there is no reason to eat all that much so that you are miserable. 
I have one Grandma that passed away in November and the other is on death's door.  Maybe.  She has been saying she is going to die for the past several years and she is still kicking.  This time, however, it is starting to look bad.  I'm heading to go see her on Christmas Day, anyway, just in case.  I can't not go say goodbye just in case.  I don't want her to pass without her knowing that I love her very much.  She is 94 though and she has had a pretty healthy life until the last 5 yrs or so. 
I hate having money problems.  I hate having to stretch every dollar that I have.  Especially here at the holidays when there is so much pressure anyway.
I miss my friend!  He keeps me sane and calm!

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Have you ever said something to a person that you regretted after you said it? 
Sometimes I say something and it totally comes out wrong. I didn't mean to get nasty.  Especially to this particular person.  I just want answers so I got down to the nitty gritty. 
I know I'm really the one who is to take most of the blame but there were things I had to question this other person.  I have to make sure.
I have been burying my head in the sand for to long.  It's either start over or give up.  These really are the only choices I have to make. 
I wish this would be an easy decision to make.  I can't take the silence anymore.
I need physical contact, not just a voice on the phone.  It's hard to give yourself a hug when you really need it.