Big Change

I could use a drink right now but I'm resisting.  I have 5 weeks sobriety under my belt and I'm not going to screw it up.  I called a friend and he reminded me of that and told me that I've worked to hard to get as far as I've gotten.  He also told me if I got drunk the feeling that I was having today would still just be there again tomorrow.  True, he is. 
You say what got me to this feeling today?  Well, it's been a rough couple of days.  Ending with a separation today. 
Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my husband as he is taking it very hard. 
I take all the blame.  As it was mainly my decision.  It is just something that is happening.
But it is still a big decision and a big change. 

Holiday Woes!

I'm a little over a month sober today and I really could use a drink.  I'm not going to though.  I'm staying strong and using a support system that I have set up.  I have a pinky swear with a friend that I will call or text him if I need to before I take that first drink. 
I am going to find a couple of meetings for this weekend. 
I really don't like the holidays.  I don't like the hustle and bustle or the chaos.  I, also, don't like being around a lot of people.  I prefer just being by myself or one maybe two other people.  I just like sitting around chit chatting with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate.  When it gets close to Christmas I don't even mind a little Christmas music and turning off all the lights except the tree lights. 
I don't like big dinners, there is no reason to eat all that much so that you are miserable. 
I have one Grandma that passed away in November and the other is on death's door.  Maybe.  She has been saying she is going to die for the past several years and she is still kicking.  This time, however, it is starting to look bad.  I'm heading to go see her on Christmas Day, anyway, just in case.  I can't not go say goodbye just in case.  I don't want her to pass without her knowing that I love her very much.  She is 94 though and she has had a pretty healthy life until the last 5 yrs or so. 
I hate having money problems.  I hate having to stretch every dollar that I have.  Especially here at the holidays when there is so much pressure anyway.
I miss my friend!  He keeps me sane and calm!

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Have you ever said something to a person that you regretted after you said it? 
Sometimes I say something and it totally comes out wrong. I didn't mean to get nasty.  Especially to this particular person.  I just want answers so I got down to the nitty gritty. 
I know I'm really the one who is to take most of the blame but there were things I had to question this other person.  I have to make sure.
I have been burying my head in the sand for to long.  It's either start over or give up.  These really are the only choices I have to make. 
I wish this would be an easy decision to make.  I can't take the silence anymore.
I need physical contact, not just a voice on the phone.  It's hard to give yourself a hug when you really need it.

One Hour at a Time

Ever have one of those days that starts out really energetic then slowly goes to shit for no apparent reason?  I started out the day cleaning the house and organizing some of the stuff that I hadn't done since I moved in and now I feel like I could just sit down and cry.  Maybe, I should.  Maybe, it would make me feel better.  So much has happened over the past month, year, hell the past 5 years.  I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride sometimes. 
This is the time that I crave a little something to forget how I'm feeling but I'm resisting and writing this blog instead so that I can get it out.  One Day at a Time.  One Hour at a Time.  I Can Do It. 
Ok, back to work.  Gotta keep busy.  Enough of being on a pity pot.  Thanks for reading this.

Session 1

Started treatment today.  This was a difficult decision for me to make.  At the beginning I was pretty much forced into it by my physician and some other outside forces.  I've delayed by about a month due to my Grandmother being ill and then passing.  I felt like I needed to be with her in the end while she was in the hospital and then at home while she was at home dying.  Then, of course, came the funeral.  During all that time, though, I was able to do a lot of soul searching and I was able to talk to Grandma, even though she couldn't talk back and decided I needed to do this for me. 
So, I officially started treatment today.  And I did it for me and no one else.  It is a small group and it feels comfortable.  Today anyway.  I'm very certain it won't at times.  I talked today just because I can't keep my big mouth shut and because I was called upon but there is a difference between telling a story and feeling a story.  That is when it is going to be really hard.  I'm going to be there for a while.  To get out I have to write and read an Autobiography to the group.  Can you say PROCRASTINATION??  I won't be doing that one anytime soon.  Prepare for changes because I'm sure some will be coming along.

My Confession!

I have so many changes going on in my life right now my head is spinning.  I spent a week in the hospital because I'm a sick puppy.  I decided it would be a good idea to mix my meds and alcohol.  This is not a good idea.  I know that but sometimes I'm stupid and do it anyway because I don't care if I'm going to live through the night or not.  This is not the first time I've done this so I know what the consequences are and for some reason God decides I'm going to live so that I'm going to face those consequences when in reality I didn't want to live through it.  But I do.  So, here I am facing the fact that I did live and am trying to go on with life, trying to live and make good decisions so that I can live.  I spent a week in the hospital as an inpatient doing lots of therapy and next week start outpatient alcohol treatment.  I, also, talked with a friend today who is helping to guide me to find God.  Someone that I can call upon for strength in my time of need, which I need right now.  I have been on a manic streak for the past 3 months and I have done some things that are pretty crazy.  I'm hoping this slows down now that I have gone through this crisis.  To start with I have to talk and if that means I have to blog because I have noone else, I will.  Beware of what I'll write.  It could be anything.  I'm doing this alone.  I have noone right here with me to help support me.  They are all long distance.  This is going to be hard.  I hope I'm up for it.  I guess I better learn how to pray again. 

Decisions

I'm having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and it is so hard.  It is 445 in the morning, my dogs are looking at me like I'm crazy but this is a decision that is involving so many people.  I can't sleep until I have thought this all through.  Someone is going to get hurt and it is going to effect me no matter what the decision.  So, here I sit in front of the computer mulling it through.  I've written the letters that I need to because I can't very well text or call people involved.  What to do next?  Do I just sit here and wait for a response or try and get a little sleep.  I don't really know.  So, here I smoke in the dark in front of the computer, waiting..........I'll get my answer eventually, but will it be what I want?