Session 1

Started treatment today.  This was a difficult decision for me to make.  At the beginning I was pretty much forced into it by my physician and some other outside forces.  I've delayed by about a month due to my Grandmother being ill and then passing.  I felt like I needed to be with her in the end while she was in the hospital and then at home while she was at home dying.  Then, of course, came the funeral.  During all that time, though, I was able to do a lot of soul searching and I was able to talk to Grandma, even though she couldn't talk back and decided I needed to do this for me. 
So, I officially started treatment today.  And I did it for me and no one else.  It is a small group and it feels comfortable.  Today anyway.  I'm very certain it won't at times.  I talked today just because I can't keep my big mouth shut and because I was called upon but there is a difference between telling a story and feeling a story.  That is when it is going to be really hard.  I'm going to be there for a while.  To get out I have to write and read an Autobiography to the group.  Can you say PROCRASTINATION??  I won't be doing that one anytime soon.  Prepare for changes because I'm sure some will be coming along.

My Confession!

I have so many changes going on in my life right now my head is spinning.  I spent a week in the hospital because I'm a sick puppy.  I decided it would be a good idea to mix my meds and alcohol.  This is not a good idea.  I know that but sometimes I'm stupid and do it anyway because I don't care if I'm going to live through the night or not.  This is not the first time I've done this so I know what the consequences are and for some reason God decides I'm going to live so that I'm going to face those consequences when in reality I didn't want to live through it.  But I do.  So, here I am facing the fact that I did live and am trying to go on with life, trying to live and make good decisions so that I can live.  I spent a week in the hospital as an inpatient doing lots of therapy and next week start outpatient alcohol treatment.  I, also, talked with a friend today who is helping to guide me to find God.  Someone that I can call upon for strength in my time of need, which I need right now.  I have been on a manic streak for the past 3 months and I have done some things that are pretty crazy.  I'm hoping this slows down now that I have gone through this crisis.  To start with I have to talk and if that means I have to blog because I have noone else, I will.  Beware of what I'll write.  It could be anything.  I'm doing this alone.  I have noone right here with me to help support me.  They are all long distance.  This is going to be hard.  I hope I'm up for it.  I guess I better learn how to pray again. 

Decisions

I'm having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and it is so hard.  It is 445 in the morning, my dogs are looking at me like I'm crazy but this is a decision that is involving so many people.  I can't sleep until I have thought this all through.  Someone is going to get hurt and it is going to effect me no matter what the decision.  So, here I sit in front of the computer mulling it through.  I've written the letters that I need to because I can't very well text or call people involved.  What to do next?  Do I just sit here and wait for a response or try and get a little sleep.  I don't really know.  So, here I smoke in the dark in front of the computer, waiting..........I'll get my answer eventually, but will it be what I want?