Crazy Days

I'm crazy and going to be even crazier for the next couple of weeks.  I'm in the new house and pretty much have everything organized.  I still have a little stuff.  But my brain won't stop, it is going ninety to nothing.  I went and saw my new therapist yesterday and, of course, I said some things she didn't like.  But that is what she is there for.  She is going to kick me in the ASS!!  For once in the past 20 yrs I think I have met my match.  I'm not going to be able to snow her over.  Which is good, I think.  Right now I'm not sure what to think.  I just know right now I'm on a roller coaster ride, some good and some bad.  I know that some of the feelings I'm having are not good but I can't stop them, they are just there.  It doesn't matter if I'm up or down they are just there. 

Unpacking

When I want to get something done I can manipulate my medication and stay up for long periods of time.  I'm wanting to get my house unpacked so I'm not going to take my medication so that I can stay up all night.  I will eventually go to sleep but it will be when I want to go to sleep.  I'm taking a little break to write this and to take a break from going through boxes.  I've gone through the major ones but now to go through the ones that I'm not sure where the contents go.  I'm listening to my head phones while I empty the contents and I'm dancing while I do this.  I'm sure if my neighbor is watching he thinks I'm nuts.  I've got to make this fun while I'm doing it though.  I mean who really likes to unpack.  I surely don't so I have to make it fun.  My girls are ready for bed and I'm still up and they will look up at me all night waiting for me and follow from room to room. 

I hate moving!!

I hate moving!!  Hubby is here until Wed or Thurs so we are trying to get all moved into the new house by then.  I now have two disasters, one at each house.  It is driving me crazy.  I want to just get it done.  I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me.  We'll have everything moved to the new house by the time he leaves but then I get the task of sorting through and figuring out where to put everything on my own. 
I also have some painting left to do but I'm not going to worry about that until I get the house put together.  None of it will be in the way of what I have left to paint. 
I know that once I'm in the house it won't take me long because I just won't be able to stand it.  I will stay up day and night until it is finished.  The dogs and neighbors will think I'm completely crazy as I'm dancing around with my headphones on as I am unpacking the same way I packed.
You gotta do something to make in entertaining.

I started something almost 2 yrs ago and it still doesn't seem like it is coming to an end.  When I first started the process of applying for disability it was something I devinitely needed to do.  At that particular time in my life, 2 yrs ago, I was unable to function in society.  Before I was admited to the hospital that Feb weekend I guess I had done some strange things.  I would not know, as I do not remember.  I was told everything that happended by the people I was in contact with eather physically or over the phone.  I was in Jefferson City during this particular episode, I say this particular because this isn't my first.  However, this is my first of this type of episode.  For some reason, and noone knows why I ended up walking the streets of Jefferson City in the middle of the night.  Noone knows how long I was out there but very early in the morning I showed up at my Grandmother's apartment.  I was told all I did was sit on her couch looking through the phone book and crying.  I guess I then ended up at a Radio Shack where I called my husband and insisted on buying a phone.  Somehow my parents showed up at the Radio  Shack, picked me up and took me home. 
I don't know when but they put me on a train and sent me home.  I don't remeber the ride home, changing trains in KC, nothing. 
The next step was my hubby taking me to the ER for psychiatric admission.  As far as I'm concerned that didn't happen.  My hubby said I fought the nurse and techs.  He said i refused to sign any paperwork.  I was not going in voluntarily, until......they threatened the State facility.  I guess I decided to cooperate after that. 
I went to the hospital and I don't remember it either.  I do know that I had ECT treatments while I was there.  If you don't know what that is it is shock therapy.  I thoght I had a bad memory before now it is really bad.
well, this had been my first psychotic break but I have severe mood changes that swing from high energized to in bed, leave me the f**ck alone.  I also have attempted suicide on more than one occassion and can't promise it won't happen again. 
Anyway during this episode I applied for disability because I knew I wouldn't be able to work anymore.  I'm still waiting.  I't been almost 2 yrs.  It's just so crazy how if you need help you don't get it but if the government needs something from us they get it yesterday. 

I hurt my friend!

I hurt my friend!  I made a choice that I thought was right and in the process I hurt my friend.  This person has been my friend for the past 4 yrs, no matter what I have done, no matter what I have said and no matter what condition I have been in.  This person doesn't care what I look like, have makeup on, my hair is all over the place or if I've brushed my teeth.  This person would just show up and check in on me just to check on me and make sure I'm OK.  This person has been especially helpful since I have been alone keeping contact at least by phone daily.  This person didn't expect anything in return except my friendship and honesty.  This pain that I have caused causes me to cry.  I'm Sorry GG!