What colors should I paint?

I got the house in Potwin that I wanted.  Yeah!  I get the keys on Thurs night and get to get started painting that night.  I've got a deadline and I plan to meet it.  I'm going to look at paint tomorrow.  I'm going to the Habitat for Humanity Store to see what they have.  I have recruted several people to help me so that I can get my goal accomplished.  I will have to get as much rest as possible before then because come Thurs I will not be getting any sleep for the weekend.  I have ways of doing that so that I can go without sleep.  I'll only do it for a couple of days so it won't hurt to bad.  I'll just be a crazy energized person.  Kind of like the energized bunny.  That is one thing about bi-polar and being on meds, I can control some aspects of my life.  When I sleep and when I don't, when I eat and when I don't.  There are other things too but that doesn't need to be discussed because when you're alone it doesn't matter.  Besides that gets in the way when you are trying to get things accomplished.  So, here we go on a whirlwind painting and cleaning of my new job.

Trip to Amarillo

I got back last night from a whirlwind trip to go see my hubby.  It had been almost 2 months since I had seen him the last time.  I drove down Thurs. evening and met him in Amarillo and  stayed there one night.  We then had to move with the train and had to move to Childress where we thought we would be for the rest of the weekend.  Wrong!  We got up Sat. morning  and had to move back to Amarillo.  Stayed in Amarillo Sat. then moved back to Childress on Sun.  This is what he does all the time.  A different hotel every night.  He never gets a chance to settle in for any extended amount of time.  I couldn't do it.  I'm totally exhausted today.  We had a chance to spend some time together but not for any extended period of time so we used whatever time we could and used it to the best of our ability.  I got to meet some of his co-workers.  They are so much younger than he is.  They really don't have a care in the world.  They don't have to worry about houses and car payments or child support.  I did some work for the hubby one day while he was out so that he get caught up.  It  kept me busy and let me help him all at the same time.  I had such a very hard time leaving him last night when I came home.  I stalled for about as long as I could.  I wanted so much just to stay so that I could curl up with him just one more night.  I miss that so much.  The sleeping alone.  Even if we're not touching I want to be able to reach across the bed and at least know that he is there.  I want to hear him breathing beside me.   

Off Balance

I don't know how normal people react when they get upset but I don't act like everybody else.  To start with on this blog I'll apologize if this is all jumbles up.  My brain is not functioning well right now which leads into different parts of my body not functioning well.  When I get upset my brain feels so full of everything.  My thought process is so slow, I can't make any decisions without a lot of consideration.  I feel off balance.  My hands are very shaky and I can't hold onto anything for a long time.  I voice is shaky and I can't say what I want to say.  It comes out slow like I don't know what I want to say.  If I could just have a drink or a "smoke".  Maybe that would help.  Maybe, take an extra pill.  Anything to stop my brain from expanding. 

I love my Friend

I love my friend.  There is only one problem, my friend is a guy.  For some people that is a problem.  For me it doesn't matter.  Yeah, if he wore a skirt it would be much easier but he would look awfully funny!  This man has become important in my life.  He has started checking on me everyday to make sure I'm OK.  He just stops in for a glass of tea and a chit chat for 20 mins or so.  He has become my "lawn boy".  He just runs over with his lawn mower and mows my lawn for me when he is doing his.  He'll get me out of the house if I need it and I've been cooped up for days.  He doesn't expect anything in return from me except to be his friend in return and be honest with him if anything is going on.  He doesn't care what I look like when he shows up and haven't had a shower for several days.  He just wants to know that I'm doing OK and then he'll try and put a smile on my face if he needs to.  Thank you friend.  I love you.  You know who you are.

I'm so tired

I'm so tired, so tired of fighting.  It's just amazing when you feel like you have been fighting for your life, how exhausting it can be both physically and emotionally.  It's 7 at night and I feel like I could go to bed and sleep until tomorrow night. 
I've been fighting now for what seems like forever.  It has been forever.  I fight everyday to stay alive.  Some days more than others.  I haven't been in the hospital for a year and a half.  I promised someone I wouldn't go in.  Now, that I'm alone I feel like I'm fighting alone.  I know that I'm being supported from behind but sometimes it is so difficult to handle. 
I did get some needed help today finally.  I've only been trying for it for the last month, with a letter and phone call after phone call.  It's nice to know that the system will finally come through for you. 
Now, if my disability hearing would hurry up and come through.  After 3 appeals and 2 yrs, it's about times things come my way.  I'm just told by my atty that it takes that long. 

Open Mouth Insert Foot

I have a way of hurting people without intentionally doing so.  There are a several people right now that I feel I have hurt and I did not mean to.  I will not name names but if they read this they will know who they are.  The 1st are by my actions.  It had nothing to do with what I did to them but what I did to myself and she is totally against what I did.  The 2nd person is not what I did but what I said.  I said I couldn't be part of her life right now because of what she is going through right now.  It's not because of what she is going through but what I'm afraid I might say.  I'm to much of a realist.  I'm not very sympathetic sometimes and I'm afraid I would be to cold.  Then one last person, we just had a big huge miscommunication and I'm sorry for that.