Big Change

I could use a drink right now but I'm resisting.  I have 5 weeks sobriety under my belt and I'm not going to screw it up.  I called a friend and he reminded me of that and told me that I've worked to hard to get as far as I've gotten.  He also told me if I got drunk the feeling that I was having today would still just be there again tomorrow.  True, he is. 
You say what got me to this feeling today?  Well, it's been a rough couple of days.  Ending with a separation today. 
Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my husband as he is taking it very hard. 
I take all the blame.  As it was mainly my decision.  It is just something that is happening.
But it is still a big decision and a big change. 

Holiday Woes!

I'm a little over a month sober today and I really could use a drink.  I'm not going to though.  I'm staying strong and using a support system that I have set up.  I have a pinky swear with a friend that I will call or text him if I need to before I take that first drink. 
I am going to find a couple of meetings for this weekend. 
I really don't like the holidays.  I don't like the hustle and bustle or the chaos.  I, also, don't like being around a lot of people.  I prefer just being by myself or one maybe two other people.  I just like sitting around chit chatting with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate.  When it gets close to Christmas I don't even mind a little Christmas music and turning off all the lights except the tree lights. 
I don't like big dinners, there is no reason to eat all that much so that you are miserable. 
I have one Grandma that passed away in November and the other is on death's door.  Maybe.  She has been saying she is going to die for the past several years and she is still kicking.  This time, however, it is starting to look bad.  I'm heading to go see her on Christmas Day, anyway, just in case.  I can't not go say goodbye just in case.  I don't want her to pass without her knowing that I love her very much.  She is 94 though and she has had a pretty healthy life until the last 5 yrs or so. 
I hate having money problems.  I hate having to stretch every dollar that I have.  Especially here at the holidays when there is so much pressure anyway.
I miss my friend!  He keeps me sane and calm!

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Have you ever said something to a person that you regretted after you said it? 
Sometimes I say something and it totally comes out wrong. I didn't mean to get nasty.  Especially to this particular person.  I just want answers so I got down to the nitty gritty. 
I know I'm really the one who is to take most of the blame but there were things I had to question this other person.  I have to make sure.
I have been burying my head in the sand for to long.  It's either start over or give up.  These really are the only choices I have to make. 
I wish this would be an easy decision to make.  I can't take the silence anymore.
I need physical contact, not just a voice on the phone.  It's hard to give yourself a hug when you really need it.

One Hour at a Time

Ever have one of those days that starts out really energetic then slowly goes to shit for no apparent reason?  I started out the day cleaning the house and organizing some of the stuff that I hadn't done since I moved in and now I feel like I could just sit down and cry.  Maybe, I should.  Maybe, it would make me feel better.  So much has happened over the past month, year, hell the past 5 years.  I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride sometimes. 
This is the time that I crave a little something to forget how I'm feeling but I'm resisting and writing this blog instead so that I can get it out.  One Day at a Time.  One Hour at a Time.  I Can Do It. 
Ok, back to work.  Gotta keep busy.  Enough of being on a pity pot.  Thanks for reading this.

Session 1

Started treatment today.  This was a difficult decision for me to make.  At the beginning I was pretty much forced into it by my physician and some other outside forces.  I've delayed by about a month due to my Grandmother being ill and then passing.  I felt like I needed to be with her in the end while she was in the hospital and then at home while she was at home dying.  Then, of course, came the funeral.  During all that time, though, I was able to do a lot of soul searching and I was able to talk to Grandma, even though she couldn't talk back and decided I needed to do this for me. 
So, I officially started treatment today.  And I did it for me and no one else.  It is a small group and it feels comfortable.  Today anyway.  I'm very certain it won't at times.  I talked today just because I can't keep my big mouth shut and because I was called upon but there is a difference between telling a story and feeling a story.  That is when it is going to be really hard.  I'm going to be there for a while.  To get out I have to write and read an Autobiography to the group.  Can you say PROCRASTINATION??  I won't be doing that one anytime soon.  Prepare for changes because I'm sure some will be coming along.

My Confession!

I have so many changes going on in my life right now my head is spinning.  I spent a week in the hospital because I'm a sick puppy.  I decided it would be a good idea to mix my meds and alcohol.  This is not a good idea.  I know that but sometimes I'm stupid and do it anyway because I don't care if I'm going to live through the night or not.  This is not the first time I've done this so I know what the consequences are and for some reason God decides I'm going to live so that I'm going to face those consequences when in reality I didn't want to live through it.  But I do.  So, here I am facing the fact that I did live and am trying to go on with life, trying to live and make good decisions so that I can live.  I spent a week in the hospital as an inpatient doing lots of therapy and next week start outpatient alcohol treatment.  I, also, talked with a friend today who is helping to guide me to find God.  Someone that I can call upon for strength in my time of need, which I need right now.  I have been on a manic streak for the past 3 months and I have done some things that are pretty crazy.  I'm hoping this slows down now that I have gone through this crisis.  To start with I have to talk and if that means I have to blog because I have noone else, I will.  Beware of what I'll write.  It could be anything.  I'm doing this alone.  I have noone right here with me to help support me.  They are all long distance.  This is going to be hard.  I hope I'm up for it.  I guess I better learn how to pray again. 

Decisions

I'm having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and it is so hard.  It is 445 in the morning, my dogs are looking at me like I'm crazy but this is a decision that is involving so many people.  I can't sleep until I have thought this all through.  Someone is going to get hurt and it is going to effect me no matter what the decision.  So, here I sit in front of the computer mulling it through.  I've written the letters that I need to because I can't very well text or call people involved.  What to do next?  Do I just sit here and wait for a response or try and get a little sleep.  I don't really know.  So, here I smoke in the dark in front of the computer, waiting..........I'll get my answer eventually, but will it be what I want?

I HATE migraines!  I've had one now for 2 days and all I've done is sleep.  I've completely wasted the last 2 beautiful days by staying in bed and sleeping them away. 
I've gotten up here and there and tried to function but then my head starts pounding again and it takes all the effort I have to just crawl back to my room and get back under the covers and sleep some more. 
I've every drug in my house that I can take, caffeine, warm showers, the house is cold and dark and it totally quiet.
This to shall pass.  So, anyone that thinks I was ignoring them.  I'm sorry. 
Just couldn't function in life.

Loved and Lost

You know what really bothers me is all the friends that have come and go in my life.  I have loved and lost in my life many friends and I know there has to be a purpose but I sure wish it didn't have to hurt so much.  I've always been told nothing gets thrown at me that I can't handle but there are sure things I don't want to handle.  I don't want to deal with the loss of yet another friend.  It feels like a death.  She has been in my life for 35 yrs and now she is gone.  I've done what I can do to try and keep our relationship going and I just don't know what else I can do but let her go.  I hope she will always know that I am here for her no matter what.  All she has to do is say my name.
But tonight that is not all.  I have a couple of other friends that I'm excited about seeing.  I don't know if it will happen or not but it is exciting knowing I might see them after all of these years.  We used to be best friends so many years ago and we've all grown older, gained a little weight and grown some grey hair but our personalities are the same and we talk just as if we saw each other yesterday.  Hopefully, I will get to meet up with them this weekend.  It would make for a nice surprise for the weekend.

Take some of my cards back

When I look at the past and I talk to some friends from the past it makes me wonder what would have happened if things would have just been a little bit different.  Not that I'm dwelling in the past but haven't you ever just wondered. 
Would I have married, would I have had 2 children or none or more?  What type of occupation would I have been in?  Would I still have stayed in Kansas?  Would I still be the same type of person that I am now?
Would I be alive today?  Or would I have never seen that Angel in my hallway that night. 
Yeah, I saw him.  No, he didn't have wings.  But he was real and he was there.  If he wasn't I wouldn't be here today.  I hadn't seen him before and I haven't seen him since.  But he was looking after me that night.  It seems like so long ago now. 
Thinking back though, if I had made different decisions before all that maybe it never would have happened in the first place.  Or was it destined.  Is there such a thing as destiny?
Is everything supposed to happen for a reason?  Is your life all planned out as soon as you're born?  I don't know anymore.  Because if it is  some of things I was dealt the dealer can take back my cards, because I don't want them. 

Melancholy Day

I'm pretty melancholy today.  Having a difficult time getting motivated.  My head is pretty fuzzy.  I feel like I just go back to bed and sleep the entire day away.  I'm trying not to do that though.  I don't want to start that pattern, of sleeping all day and then being awake all night.  I do it to much already.  I already stay up a good portion of the night but I am able to get up in the morning at a decent time, so it works. 
I hate this time of year.  I should say I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year.  Since, about July I have been on a Manic Spree and it has been awesome.  I've been on this natural high that is just wonderful but eventually I have to come down, and I will.  It won't be pretty when I do.  It never is.  I'm hoping for better results this year.  That is all I can do.  Somewhere between now and Christmas I will come down. 
I'm keeping my fingers crossed this year and thinking about ahead of time.  I'm not going to let it creep up on me.  I'm going to take precautions.
I'm going to put up my Christmas tree this month so in December when I hate the thought because I hate Christmas it will already be done.  I'm starting my Christmas shopping now so it will be done for the same reason.  I want to do Christmas cards this year so I'm doing them the beginning of November so that they will get done.  So, please send your addresses if you would like a card.  That just leaves cookies to bake and the hubby should be home in time to help bake Christmas cookies.  He can drag my ASS out of bed in December to do that.  Because in December that is where I will be.  I'll be in bed with my Grinch pants on all curled up hibernating for the winter.  Ignoring the world.

Crazy Days

I'm crazy and going to be even crazier for the next couple of weeks.  I'm in the new house and pretty much have everything organized.  I still have a little stuff.  But my brain won't stop, it is going ninety to nothing.  I went and saw my new therapist yesterday and, of course, I said some things she didn't like.  But that is what she is there for.  She is going to kick me in the ASS!!  For once in the past 20 yrs I think I have met my match.  I'm not going to be able to snow her over.  Which is good, I think.  Right now I'm not sure what to think.  I just know right now I'm on a roller coaster ride, some good and some bad.  I know that some of the feelings I'm having are not good but I can't stop them, they are just there.  It doesn't matter if I'm up or down they are just there. 

Unpacking

When I want to get something done I can manipulate my medication and stay up for long periods of time.  I'm wanting to get my house unpacked so I'm not going to take my medication so that I can stay up all night.  I will eventually go to sleep but it will be when I want to go to sleep.  I'm taking a little break to write this and to take a break from going through boxes.  I've gone through the major ones but now to go through the ones that I'm not sure where the contents go.  I'm listening to my head phones while I empty the contents and I'm dancing while I do this.  I'm sure if my neighbor is watching he thinks I'm nuts.  I've got to make this fun while I'm doing it though.  I mean who really likes to unpack.  I surely don't so I have to make it fun.  My girls are ready for bed and I'm still up and they will look up at me all night waiting for me and follow from room to room. 

I hate moving!!

I hate moving!!  Hubby is here until Wed or Thurs so we are trying to get all moved into the new house by then.  I now have two disasters, one at each house.  It is driving me crazy.  I want to just get it done.  I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me.  We'll have everything moved to the new house by the time he leaves but then I get the task of sorting through and figuring out where to put everything on my own. 
I also have some painting left to do but I'm not going to worry about that until I get the house put together.  None of it will be in the way of what I have left to paint. 
I know that once I'm in the house it won't take me long because I just won't be able to stand it.  I will stay up day and night until it is finished.  The dogs and neighbors will think I'm completely crazy as I'm dancing around with my headphones on as I am unpacking the same way I packed.
You gotta do something to make in entertaining.

I started something almost 2 yrs ago and it still doesn't seem like it is coming to an end.  When I first started the process of applying for disability it was something I devinitely needed to do.  At that particular time in my life, 2 yrs ago, I was unable to function in society.  Before I was admited to the hospital that Feb weekend I guess I had done some strange things.  I would not know, as I do not remember.  I was told everything that happended by the people I was in contact with eather physically or over the phone.  I was in Jefferson City during this particular episode, I say this particular because this isn't my first.  However, this is my first of this type of episode.  For some reason, and noone knows why I ended up walking the streets of Jefferson City in the middle of the night.  Noone knows how long I was out there but very early in the morning I showed up at my Grandmother's apartment.  I was told all I did was sit on her couch looking through the phone book and crying.  I guess I then ended up at a Radio Shack where I called my husband and insisted on buying a phone.  Somehow my parents showed up at the Radio  Shack, picked me up and took me home. 
I don't know when but they put me on a train and sent me home.  I don't remeber the ride home, changing trains in KC, nothing. 
The next step was my hubby taking me to the ER for psychiatric admission.  As far as I'm concerned that didn't happen.  My hubby said I fought the nurse and techs.  He said i refused to sign any paperwork.  I was not going in voluntarily, until......they threatened the State facility.  I guess I decided to cooperate after that. 
I went to the hospital and I don't remember it either.  I do know that I had ECT treatments while I was there.  If you don't know what that is it is shock therapy.  I thoght I had a bad memory before now it is really bad.
well, this had been my first psychotic break but I have severe mood changes that swing from high energized to in bed, leave me the f**ck alone.  I also have attempted suicide on more than one occassion and can't promise it won't happen again. 
Anyway during this episode I applied for disability because I knew I wouldn't be able to work anymore.  I'm still waiting.  I't been almost 2 yrs.  It's just so crazy how if you need help you don't get it but if the government needs something from us they get it yesterday. 

I hurt my friend!

I hurt my friend!  I made a choice that I thought was right and in the process I hurt my friend.  This person has been my friend for the past 4 yrs, no matter what I have done, no matter what I have said and no matter what condition I have been in.  This person doesn't care what I look like, have makeup on, my hair is all over the place or if I've brushed my teeth.  This person would just show up and check in on me just to check on me and make sure I'm OK.  This person has been especially helpful since I have been alone keeping contact at least by phone daily.  This person didn't expect anything in return except my friendship and honesty.  This pain that I have caused causes me to cry.  I'm Sorry GG!

What colors should I paint?

I got the house in Potwin that I wanted.  Yeah!  I get the keys on Thurs night and get to get started painting that night.  I've got a deadline and I plan to meet it.  I'm going to look at paint tomorrow.  I'm going to the Habitat for Humanity Store to see what they have.  I have recruted several people to help me so that I can get my goal accomplished.  I will have to get as much rest as possible before then because come Thurs I will not be getting any sleep for the weekend.  I have ways of doing that so that I can go without sleep.  I'll only do it for a couple of days so it won't hurt to bad.  I'll just be a crazy energized person.  Kind of like the energized bunny.  That is one thing about bi-polar and being on meds, I can control some aspects of my life.  When I sleep and when I don't, when I eat and when I don't.  There are other things too but that doesn't need to be discussed because when you're alone it doesn't matter.  Besides that gets in the way when you are trying to get things accomplished.  So, here we go on a whirlwind painting and cleaning of my new job.

Trip to Amarillo

I got back last night from a whirlwind trip to go see my hubby.  It had been almost 2 months since I had seen him the last time.  I drove down Thurs. evening and met him in Amarillo and  stayed there one night.  We then had to move with the train and had to move to Childress where we thought we would be for the rest of the weekend.  Wrong!  We got up Sat. morning  and had to move back to Amarillo.  Stayed in Amarillo Sat. then moved back to Childress on Sun.  This is what he does all the time.  A different hotel every night.  He never gets a chance to settle in for any extended amount of time.  I couldn't do it.  I'm totally exhausted today.  We had a chance to spend some time together but not for any extended period of time so we used whatever time we could and used it to the best of our ability.  I got to meet some of his co-workers.  They are so much younger than he is.  They really don't have a care in the world.  They don't have to worry about houses and car payments or child support.  I did some work for the hubby one day while he was out so that he get caught up.  It  kept me busy and let me help him all at the same time.  I had such a very hard time leaving him last night when I came home.  I stalled for about as long as I could.  I wanted so much just to stay so that I could curl up with him just one more night.  I miss that so much.  The sleeping alone.  Even if we're not touching I want to be able to reach across the bed and at least know that he is there.  I want to hear him breathing beside me.   

Off Balance

I don't know how normal people react when they get upset but I don't act like everybody else.  To start with on this blog I'll apologize if this is all jumbles up.  My brain is not functioning well right now which leads into different parts of my body not functioning well.  When I get upset my brain feels so full of everything.  My thought process is so slow, I can't make any decisions without a lot of consideration.  I feel off balance.  My hands are very shaky and I can't hold onto anything for a long time.  I voice is shaky and I can't say what I want to say.  It comes out slow like I don't know what I want to say.  If I could just have a drink or a "smoke".  Maybe that would help.  Maybe, take an extra pill.  Anything to stop my brain from expanding. 

I love my Friend

I love my friend.  There is only one problem, my friend is a guy.  For some people that is a problem.  For me it doesn't matter.  Yeah, if he wore a skirt it would be much easier but he would look awfully funny!  This man has become important in my life.  He has started checking on me everyday to make sure I'm OK.  He just stops in for a glass of tea and a chit chat for 20 mins or so.  He has become my "lawn boy".  He just runs over with his lawn mower and mows my lawn for me when he is doing his.  He'll get me out of the house if I need it and I've been cooped up for days.  He doesn't expect anything in return from me except to be his friend in return and be honest with him if anything is going on.  He doesn't care what I look like when he shows up and haven't had a shower for several days.  He just wants to know that I'm doing OK and then he'll try and put a smile on my face if he needs to.  Thank you friend.  I love you.  You know who you are.

I'm so tired

I'm so tired, so tired of fighting.  It's just amazing when you feel like you have been fighting for your life, how exhausting it can be both physically and emotionally.  It's 7 at night and I feel like I could go to bed and sleep until tomorrow night. 
I've been fighting now for what seems like forever.  It has been forever.  I fight everyday to stay alive.  Some days more than others.  I haven't been in the hospital for a year and a half.  I promised someone I wouldn't go in.  Now, that I'm alone I feel like I'm fighting alone.  I know that I'm being supported from behind but sometimes it is so difficult to handle. 
I did get some needed help today finally.  I've only been trying for it for the last month, with a letter and phone call after phone call.  It's nice to know that the system will finally come through for you. 
Now, if my disability hearing would hurry up and come through.  After 3 appeals and 2 yrs, it's about times things come my way.  I'm just told by my atty that it takes that long. 

Open Mouth Insert Foot

I have a way of hurting people without intentionally doing so.  There are a several people right now that I feel I have hurt and I did not mean to.  I will not name names but if they read this they will know who they are.  The 1st are by my actions.  It had nothing to do with what I did to them but what I did to myself and she is totally against what I did.  The 2nd person is not what I did but what I said.  I said I couldn't be part of her life right now because of what she is going through right now.  It's not because of what she is going through but what I'm afraid I might say.  I'm to much of a realist.  I'm not very sympathetic sometimes and I'm afraid I would be to cold.  Then one last person, we just had a big huge miscommunication and I'm sorry for that. 

Sometimes I do Stupid Stuff

I like a lot of bi-p0lars self-medicate to make themselves feel better.  We use alcohol and other forms of drugs.  I chose to do this last night instead of my medication.  I have been feeling down lately and just wanted one drink but what started out with one drink ended up being a whole bottle of cherry vodka.  Not only am I bi-polar but I am also an alcoholic.   I'm not the one that drinks everyday, I'm the binger.  I can't stop until it's gone, the money has run out, or I'm passed out.  It has gotten me in trouble many times.  I was in good hands last night, though, had my keys taken away and a place to crash for the night.  The worst thing was that I couldn't sleep due to the three dogs who were sleeping with me. 
Will I ever learn my lesson, probably not.  Why?  I never physically feel bad.  I could give up my meds for alcohol and drugs.  It gives me about the same feeling.  A lot of the time it even makes me feel better.  But I won't because I have too many family members that I would be disappointing if I went off "crazy" like that all the time. 

Tears are Falling

It's just a bad day today.  I woke up this morning with a migraine after falling asleep with a cell phone in my hand because I was texting with my hubby and couldn't stand to put the phone down.  Finally, though the meds kicked in and took over and gave me no choice.
I HATE sleeping alone.  That is not what a married couple is supposed to do.  I'm should be able to lean across the bed and cuddle anytime I want to.  I should be able to hear him breathe beside me.  I should not be scared in the middle of the night when I hear noises because he is there to protect me. 
The tears are falling today and I can't control them.  I normally don't cry.  This is so very unusual.  I especially don't let anyone see or hear me.  It's a sign of weakness.  I have to be strong.  I want to be taken care of............

Pepto Bismol Pink

Who in their right mind would paint their house pepto bismol pink?  Seriously!!  I saw one this  morning, it was absolutely YUCKY!!  Not only that but it had weeds higher than I was and I'm 5 ft 4 in. 
So, I'm still obsessed with finding some place to live but I kept it at looking at five houses this morning before the temperatures were to rise to high.  When I left the house at 8 this morning it was already 91 degrees and when I got home at 10 it was 94. 
I told you about the 1st house already and besides that I saw 2 duplexes, 1 that was hidden by a wall of some kind and another that I actually came home and called about.
I thought the address sounded familiar and when I pulled into the neighborhood I liked it even better.  It is in a college neighborhood and just so happens my cousin used to live in it and redid the inside.  Now I'm just waiting on a phone call to get more information.

"Glitter in the Air" by Pink: Have you really ever trusted?

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/glitter-in-the-air-lyrics.html ]

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

Can you say Obsession?

Ok, so if you don't know I'm looking for some place to live and I have to do it on a pretty low budget.  I put my house on the market last spring and it did not sell and was taken off the market in July.  I'm still living in it now, but it is just to big for me and my  two girls plus we can't afford it. 
My husband and I have been through so much in the past two years I don't know how we have made it.  Lots of determination, love and perserverance.  He was unemployed for two years and I have been fighting to get disability for almost two years.  Plus, health problems.  Which led him to take a job out of state making half of what he did before he was unemployed.  He was on the job for three months when he broke his ankle and was on workman's comp for six months.  Hopefully, things will look up now. 
WE LOST ALL OUR STUFF TO BANKRUPTCY!!  Thus the tight budget.
Anyway, I was totally obsessed with looking for a place yesterday.  I looked through every sight I could find.  I have to find a certain price, something big enough (I would like a 2 bedroom), I definitely can't buy, I would really like something with a yard (the girls), washer/dryer hook ups, not a busy street and I need to feel safe.  I will be living there by myself most of the time. 
I did with all my browsing come across several places but of course they won't be available when I want them which is the end of Aug/beginning of Sept but at least I found the web site to look at.

Amy Winehouse

Let's talk about Amy not because I really want to but because she happens to be the topic that NAMI threw at me this morning.  For those that don't know NAMI is the National Association for Mental Illness.  There was an article written this morning about Amy in the Washington Post stating that she had been diagnosed with manic depression (bi-polar) which led to her death.  She was doing what many of us bi-polars do self-medicate.  She was using pills and booze to make herself feel better.  She was told to go to re-hab and she wouldn't.  Well, the end finally came.  She took to many pills and drank too much booze and she didn't wake up.  There are approximately 3 million people in the US that have bi-polar and a lot of those are artistic.  Out of those 1 in 5 will commit suicide.  More than half of those may not actually perform the deed but will have at least tried once or twice.  This one I know from experience.  There are many drugs out there but many sufferers prefer to self-medicate as I said before so that it does not dull the senses.  The drugs don't allow your personality to shine through as low or as high as you would like it to.  I've been told I can be stone cold faced.  I can't cry when I want to, it's there but it just won't happen.  I sit in a haze.  With singers such as Winehouse, Cobaine, Joplin, and Hendrix, who were all 27 when they committed suicide they could never find the peace they needed. 

July 24th: 1st Post

This is a little scary:  I've been on my soap box for the last two days about mental illness and addiction but mainly mental illness.  Mom convinced me maybe it is time for me to blog.
If nobody knows I have bi-polar I, anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder.  One by itself is a major pain in the ass but put all three together and you have a World of Up's and Down's.  I never know from day to day how my day is going to be.  Yes, I do take medication, a lot of it.  I wouldn't be able to function if I didn't.  I'm not doing this so that people will feel sorry for me but maybe to make people be more aware that they're are people out there like me.  If someone randomly walked up to me they would have no idea that there was something wrong.  I look normal on the outside (unless I hadn't taken a shower that day) but on the inside my brain is constantly racing and won't shut up.  I have my good days and my bad.  Please be patient with me as I go through this process and maybe help someone by just talking about what I go through from day to day.  Don't be afraid to talk, ask, discuss or just comment.