Big Change

I could use a drink right now but I'm resisting.  I have 5 weeks sobriety under my belt and I'm not going to screw it up.  I called a friend and he reminded me of that and told me that I've worked to hard to get as far as I've gotten.  He also told me if I got drunk the feeling that I was having today would still just be there again tomorrow.  True, he is. 
You say what got me to this feeling today?  Well, it's been a rough couple of days.  Ending with a separation today. 
Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my husband as he is taking it very hard. 
I take all the blame.  As it was mainly my decision.  It is just something that is happening.
But it is still a big decision and a big change. 

Holiday Woes!

I'm a little over a month sober today and I really could use a drink.  I'm not going to though.  I'm staying strong and using a support system that I have set up.  I have a pinky swear with a friend that I will call or text him if I need to before I take that first drink. 
I am going to find a couple of meetings for this weekend. 
I really don't like the holidays.  I don't like the hustle and bustle or the chaos.  I, also, don't like being around a lot of people.  I prefer just being by myself or one maybe two other people.  I just like sitting around chit chatting with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate.  When it gets close to Christmas I don't even mind a little Christmas music and turning off all the lights except the tree lights. 
I don't like big dinners, there is no reason to eat all that much so that you are miserable. 
I have one Grandma that passed away in November and the other is on death's door.  Maybe.  She has been saying she is going to die for the past several years and she is still kicking.  This time, however, it is starting to look bad.  I'm heading to go see her on Christmas Day, anyway, just in case.  I can't not go say goodbye just in case.  I don't want her to pass without her knowing that I love her very much.  She is 94 though and she has had a pretty healthy life until the last 5 yrs or so. 
I hate having money problems.  I hate having to stretch every dollar that I have.  Especially here at the holidays when there is so much pressure anyway.
I miss my friend!  He keeps me sane and calm!

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Have you ever said something to a person that you regretted after you said it? 
Sometimes I say something and it totally comes out wrong. I didn't mean to get nasty.  Especially to this particular person.  I just want answers so I got down to the nitty gritty. 
I know I'm really the one who is to take most of the blame but there were things I had to question this other person.  I have to make sure.
I have been burying my head in the sand for to long.  It's either start over or give up.  These really are the only choices I have to make. 
I wish this would be an easy decision to make.  I can't take the silence anymore.
I need physical contact, not just a voice on the phone.  It's hard to give yourself a hug when you really need it.

One Hour at a Time

Ever have one of those days that starts out really energetic then slowly goes to shit for no apparent reason?  I started out the day cleaning the house and organizing some of the stuff that I hadn't done since I moved in and now I feel like I could just sit down and cry.  Maybe, I should.  Maybe, it would make me feel better.  So much has happened over the past month, year, hell the past 5 years.  I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride sometimes. 
This is the time that I crave a little something to forget how I'm feeling but I'm resisting and writing this blog instead so that I can get it out.  One Day at a Time.  One Hour at a Time.  I Can Do It. 
Ok, back to work.  Gotta keep busy.  Enough of being on a pity pot.  Thanks for reading this.