I like a lot of bi-p0lars self-medicate to make themselves feel better. We use alcohol and other forms of drugs. I chose to do this last night instead of my medication. I have been feeling down lately and just wanted one drink but what started out with one drink ended up being a whole bottle of cherry vodka. Not only am I bi-polar but I am also an alcoholic. I'm not the one that drinks everyday, I'm the binger. I can't stop until it's gone, the money has run out, or I'm passed out. It has gotten me in trouble many times. I was in good hands last night, though, had my keys taken away and a place to crash for the night. The worst thing was that I couldn't sleep due to the three dogs who were sleeping with me.
Will I ever learn my lesson, probably not. Why? I never physically feel bad. I could give up my meds for alcohol and drugs. It gives me about the same feeling. A lot of the time it even makes me feel better. But I won't because I have too many family members that I would be disappointing if I went off "crazy" like that all the time.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tears are Falling
It's just a bad day today. I woke up this morning with a migraine after falling asleep with a cell phone in my hand because I was texting with my hubby and couldn't stand to put the phone down. Finally, though the meds kicked in and took over and gave me no choice.
I HATE sleeping alone. That is not what a married couple is supposed to do. I'm should be able to lean across the bed and cuddle anytime I want to. I should be able to hear him breathe beside me. I should not be scared in the middle of the night when I hear noises because he is there to protect me.
The tears are falling today and I can't control them. I normally don't cry. This is so very unusual. I especially don't let anyone see or hear me. It's a sign of weakness. I have to be strong. I want to be taken care of............
I HATE sleeping alone. That is not what a married couple is supposed to do. I'm should be able to lean across the bed and cuddle anytime I want to. I should be able to hear him breathe beside me. I should not be scared in the middle of the night when I hear noises because he is there to protect me.
The tears are falling today and I can't control them. I normally don't cry. This is so very unusual. I especially don't let anyone see or hear me. It's a sign of weakness. I have to be strong. I want to be taken care of............
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Pepto Bismol Pink
Who in their right mind would paint their house pepto bismol pink? Seriously!! I saw one this morning, it was absolutely YUCKY!! Not only that but it had weeds higher than I was and I'm 5 ft 4 in.
So, I'm still obsessed with finding some place to live but I kept it at looking at five houses this morning before the temperatures were to rise to high. When I left the house at 8 this morning it was already 91 degrees and when I got home at 10 it was 94.
I told you about the 1st house already and besides that I saw 2 duplexes, 1 that was hidden by a wall of some kind and another that I actually came home and called about.
I thought the address sounded familiar and when I pulled into the neighborhood I liked it even better. It is in a college neighborhood and just so happens my cousin used to live in it and redid the inside. Now I'm just waiting on a phone call to get more information.
So, I'm still obsessed with finding some place to live but I kept it at looking at five houses this morning before the temperatures were to rise to high. When I left the house at 8 this morning it was already 91 degrees and when I got home at 10 it was 94.
I told you about the 1st house already and besides that I saw 2 duplexes, 1 that was hidden by a wall of some kind and another that I actually came home and called about.
I thought the address sounded familiar and when I pulled into the neighborhood I liked it even better. It is in a college neighborhood and just so happens my cousin used to live in it and redid the inside. Now I'm just waiting on a phone call to get more information.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
"Glitter in the Air" by Pink: Have you really ever trusted?
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/glitter-in-the-air-lyrics.html ]
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/glitter-in-the-air-lyrics.html ]
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight
Can you say Obsession?
Ok, so if you don't know I'm looking for some place to live and I have to do it on a pretty low budget. I put my house on the market last spring and it did not sell and was taken off the market in July. I'm still living in it now, but it is just to big for me and my two girls plus we can't afford it.
My husband and I have been through so much in the past two years I don't know how we have made it. Lots of determination, love and perserverance. He was unemployed for two years and I have been fighting to get disability for almost two years. Plus, health problems. Which led him to take a job out of state making half of what he did before he was unemployed. He was on the job for three months when he broke his ankle and was on workman's comp for six months. Hopefully, things will look up now.
WE LOST ALL OUR STUFF TO BANKRUPTCY!! Thus the tight budget.
Anyway, I was totally obsessed with looking for a place yesterday. I looked through every sight I could find. I have to find a certain price, something big enough (I would like a 2 bedroom), I definitely can't buy, I would really like something with a yard (the girls), washer/dryer hook ups, not a busy street and I need to feel safe. I will be living there by myself most of the time.
I did with all my browsing come across several places but of course they won't be available when I want them which is the end of Aug/beginning of Sept but at least I found the web site to look at.
My husband and I have been through so much in the past two years I don't know how we have made it. Lots of determination, love and perserverance. He was unemployed for two years and I have been fighting to get disability for almost two years. Plus, health problems. Which led him to take a job out of state making half of what he did before he was unemployed. He was on the job for three months when he broke his ankle and was on workman's comp for six months. Hopefully, things will look up now.
WE LOST ALL OUR STUFF TO BANKRUPTCY!! Thus the tight budget.
Anyway, I was totally obsessed with looking for a place yesterday. I looked through every sight I could find. I have to find a certain price, something big enough (I would like a 2 bedroom), I definitely can't buy, I would really like something with a yard (the girls), washer/dryer hook ups, not a busy street and I need to feel safe. I will be living there by myself most of the time.
I did with all my browsing come across several places but of course they won't be available when I want them which is the end of Aug/beginning of Sept but at least I found the web site to look at.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Amy Winehouse
Let's talk about Amy not because I really want to but because she happens to be the topic that NAMI threw at me this morning. For those that don't know NAMI is the National Association for Mental Illness. There was an article written this morning about Amy in the Washington Post stating that she had been diagnosed with manic depression (bi-polar) which led to her death. She was doing what many of us bi-polars do self-medicate. She was using pills and booze to make herself feel better. She was told to go to re-hab and she wouldn't. Well, the end finally came. She took to many pills and drank too much booze and she didn't wake up. There are approximately 3 million people in the US that have bi-polar and a lot of those are artistic. Out of those 1 in 5 will commit suicide. More than half of those may not actually perform the deed but will have at least tried once or twice. This one I know from experience. There are many drugs out there but many sufferers prefer to self-medicate as I said before so that it does not dull the senses. The drugs don't allow your personality to shine through as low or as high as you would like it to. I've been told I can be stone cold faced. I can't cry when I want to, it's there but it just won't happen. I sit in a haze. With singers such as Winehouse, Cobaine, Joplin, and Hendrix, who were all 27 when they committed suicide they could never find the peace they needed.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
July 24th: 1st Post
This is a little scary: I've been on my soap box for the last two days about mental illness and addiction but mainly mental illness. Mom convinced me maybe it is time for me to blog.
If nobody knows I have bi-polar I, anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. One by itself is a major pain in the ass but put all three together and you have a World of Up's and Down's. I never know from day to day how my day is going to be. Yes, I do take medication, a lot of it. I wouldn't be able to function if I didn't. I'm not doing this so that people will feel sorry for me but maybe to make people be more aware that they're are people out there like me. If someone randomly walked up to me they would have no idea that there was something wrong. I look normal on the outside (unless I hadn't taken a shower that day) but on the inside my brain is constantly racing and won't shut up. I have my good days and my bad. Please be patient with me as I go through this process and maybe help someone by just talking about what I go through from day to day. Don't be afraid to talk, ask, discuss or just comment.
If nobody knows I have bi-polar I, anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. One by itself is a major pain in the ass but put all three together and you have a World of Up's and Down's. I never know from day to day how my day is going to be. Yes, I do take medication, a lot of it. I wouldn't be able to function if I didn't. I'm not doing this so that people will feel sorry for me but maybe to make people be more aware that they're are people out there like me. If someone randomly walked up to me they would have no idea that there was something wrong. I look normal on the outside (unless I hadn't taken a shower that day) but on the inside my brain is constantly racing and won't shut up. I have my good days and my bad. Please be patient with me as I go through this process and maybe help someone by just talking about what I go through from day to day. Don't be afraid to talk, ask, discuss or just comment.
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